Obama visits Chipotle, pledges to bring more viruses to US

From: Gnute Sporkem ([email protected])

BOSTON, MA -- Yet another Mexican food chain became a victim of
ethnic profiling by food-borne stomach viruses this Tuesday,
when 80 Boston College students were sickened after eating at a
nearby Chipotle restaurant, said a representative of the
Movement for Nutritional Justice, a civil rights group
monitoring cases of digestive inequality and oppression. The
media was quick to call this "the worst attack since Taco Bell,"
referring to the 2006 E. coli poisoning spree.

Movement for Nutritional Justice organized a rally today
protesting what they describe as a racially motivated assault by
food-borne microorganisms, pointing to a pattern of
discrimination against Mexican food chains, and demanding an
equal redistribution of food-borne diseases in all ethnic

They were joined by a number of virus and bacteria advocacy
groups who expressed grave concerns over a possible backlash
against all viruses and bacteria, many of whom had nothing to do
with the Chipotle "lone wolf" outbreak, and urging Americans to
stay away from using hand sanitizers and performing similar
actions "driven by fear and Virusophobia."

The protesters held dozens of printed signs that blamed
Virusophobia on propaganda by big pharmaceutical companies who
profit from our fears by selling antibacterial products.
Statements in other signs ranged from "don't blame all viruses
for the actions of the few" to "embrace fever and vomiting as
symptoms of diversity," "diarrhea to those who say viruses cause
diarrhea," and "Virus will dominate the world." These somewhat
contradictory signs were often held by the same people, many of
whom seemed to share membership in all of the attending groups.

The responsibility for the Tuesday attack was claimed by
Norovirus - a little-known group of stomach viruses who experts
say are not affiliated with the notorious international
syndicate of E-coli bacteria, known for the recent simultaneous
attacks that made 52 people in nine states sick after eating at
Chipotle restaurants.

While the methods and modes of operation of both groups are
similar - diarrhea, stomach cramps, and fever - experts claim
that Norovirus is far more likely than E. coli to cause vomiting.

It remains unclear whether the Chipotle attackers acted on their
own or in direct contact with the virus command center, but a
Facebook post on the Norovirus page, now removed, praised the
attackers for promoting the global state of diarrhea. The post
also contained a group photo of the attackers, showing them
under a sign with the words "Virus will dominate the world,"
similar to the signs at the rally only much smaller.

U.S. Attorney General Loretta Lynch pledged to a virus advocacy
and lobbying group that she would take aggressive action against
anyone who used "anti-Virus rhetoric" that "edges toward

Speaking to the audience at the Virus and Bacteria Advocates'
dinner at a generic ethnic restaurant, Lynch said her "greatest
fear" is the "incredibly disturbing rise of anti-Virus rhetoric"
in America and vowed to prosecute anyone guilty of advertising
anti-bacterial hand soaps, bleaches, and other household

President Obama addressed the nation today from Chipotle Grill,
stating that "viruses and bacteria are woven into the fabric of
our country since founding" and asking Americans to restrain
from Virusophobia.

"If we begin to complain about vomiting, if we hate diarrhea -
that's not American. That's not who we are," the President said,
pledging to bring thousands more viruses and bacteria into
American neighborhoods by the end of his presidency.


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